More fillings to mouth with

My job's put me in a temporary position in which I am the bearer of bad news to grumpy customers arriving at the now-defunkt client centre each day. At times I like to think that I'm providing good service, but at others, boredom and a tainted sense of humour tend to get the better of me and are received by clients with varying levels of amicability.

"Moved? Move where?!"
"The moon."
"..."


mu ha ha tis me. I moved yer bank.

I finally went to get the remaining of my fillings done at the dentist. Watching her work on my mouth through the reflection in the overhead lamp, relying on the accuracy of her fingers to get the job done, just as dad does, I wish I had become a doctor as well, or at least someone who got to do something with his hands for a living, be it treating patients or building a scaffold or slicing raw salmon. Working with one's hands seems a tireless craft.

Speaking of which, one is broken. :|



The right one as well. True irritation.

With one down, I might be out of work if I had to count on my hands for a living. Nevertheless, I think I'd like it more than what I do now, and I'd be damn good at it. These thoughts are no doubt subset thoughts of another thought which involves the desperation of wanting to make SOMETHING of my life.Somethin'...

The mediocrity with which my life bumbles on truly depresses me. It might not be just about a career either... its about making a mark as a human on the planet. An inspired human. Coming from a priviledged background, I wonder what I'd be like if I'd had a humble upbringing. That is - would I be another drop existing in the masses or would I make a difference to this world as I know it... or would I still be the same obnoxious asshole that I am now... and how would I ever know? I have a film noir fantasy to get thrown into life in prison... or to find myself abandoned in a foreign land, just to test my merits as a human. Motivation is most desirable of attributes.

I've noticed myself making myself feel better by highlighting the most pathetic differences that set me apart from the people around me. It's so pathetic that it makes me sick and my only solace is that I can write it and publish it and start to do something about it. I had lunch in crowded Takashimaya foodcourt some days ago where we had to share tables with some strangers. For a few minutes I found myself sitting across the table from a stranger - just the 2 of us. The stranger promptly took out a sheet of paper from her handbag and started reading it - for the remaining course of her lunch. A printed email of maybe 3 paragraphs that would have taken maybe 45 seconds to read. Her eyes of course never actually looked at the paper - its sole purpose at lunch was to screen away the awkwardness of dining with a stranger (me) who might try to talk to her.

For a moment, a sense of pomp came over me as I thought about how, given a chance, I would have talked to this stranger and tried to charm her panties off from across the table, or perhaps just make her edgy and uncomfortable. And then I realised that the only reason that I'd wanted to do such a thing was to feel superior to the common Singaporean man... and then I could only feel pathetic after that.

Thanks alot for reading. My name is paul and I just remembered that we walk with saints and angels, every day.

Evidence supporting the view that our administration is not gay

From The Economist's Singapore Briefing June 2005:

Not so gay

Though Singapore's ministers clamour for more tourists, it seems that this may not extend to gay visitors. Police have banned one of the region’s largest gay gatherings, the annual August beach party called “The Nation”, due in Singapore for a fifth year. A police statement explained that the event was expected to be a big gay party, which is “contrary to public interest”.

The decision to end this annual tradition comes three months after Balaji Sadasivan, the junior health minister, argued that such events could generate a rise in local HIV-infection rates. Stuart Koe, the organiser of The Nation, accused the government of discriminating against gays. The festival will now take place in Phuket, the Thai resort island.

Someone turn on the lights, please.

All we have is love & humour love humour Where is the love & humour.

Its amazing how much damage I can do for a second that I lose my mind. Last night, I broke so much more than just my hand, and though I believe that everything is for a (good) reason, the moment we live in is always a heartbreaker innit.

This weekend, I'm having one of those big shoves towards an inkling of maturity. I need to grow up and deal. Time to stop smoking when I'm stressed, time to quit drinking when I'm down, to not punch walls when I'm mad... time to sit and search for that solution.

And yet down inside we all know the keys to various aspects of life... love freely, keep drama out of relationships, give,give,give. Maybe I'm just in need of practice.

I just dug out this thing I wrote in my last year of college.

Paul, for those difficult times ahead, some only seemingly difficult keys to peace :)
1. Judge nobody
2. Make positive cognitive attributions for others
3. Trust the Universe
4. Love the universe and its process
5. Love yourself for you are responsible for the Universe. We are responsible.
6. Do the work and shine the light

Little note to the self is always useful...I'm a little bit of a woo-woo but it floats my boat.

I love you as long as we're still havin sex

It's slightly unnerving to be neck-deep in a relationship and realize that it wouldn't survive a week without sex...one of these things that knock me off my cloud to come crashing down to earth. Same kind of effect as when I learnt that marriage didn't last forever, love was in fact not unconditional, and that people- whether friends, family or lovers, do drift apart.

It's not ideal.
But maybe its just the way things work.

Maybe being idealistic about these things isn't a great thing, and the challenge is to channel this idealistic energy into motivation to hold oneself to higher standards - I can't figure out if that's okay or if I'm selling out.

Issues

Pretty colleague has been going on and on about her issues. "Think I have issues.." she says, but if you ask, she moans "IdunnooooooeIdunnooooooe". I dunno - its her answer to every other question, and I guess after getting that answer enough consecutive times, I conclude that the girl just wants to bitch.

Ah, to bitch. To moan & to groan, especially to a comfortable audience...As surreal as peace is, there's no denying the queer satisfaction of talkin' smack. Just to get it out there. And what a lot of smack there is to dish. I've cursed god... bullied other road users... blackmailed my own mother... I've even called 10in_dude a sleazy fucker for trying to have cybersex with me. Because I was pretending to be a little girl. But who hasn't. Liar.

Not that its unacceptable to be a liar. Politicians lie. Sales people lie. Partners lie. Parents too.
Whaddaya gonna do?

Sit and bitch about how the world has done me wrong and how far we've strayed from our imposed ideals... then blog about it on the Internet.

Circumstance

Thanks to Shaun - Pullitzer Prize photos that'll put your feet back on the ground.
Careful, airy-fairy types, these are bound to bring you down.

I checked out 1998's prize winner Clarence Williams. Clarence photographed children of drug addicts. Look at young Tamika. It really breaks my heart to imagine what her future's like, and even though there's no predicting tomorrow, somehow, it feels certain that her life will run like how Hollywood would depict the story of a junkie's pretty daughter, and it'd be hard to argue with that.

I have a visual already.

Tamika as a teenager (sometime now in fact).
Tamika at 21.
Tamika as a young mother.

Will the world break her?
Will she make it?

Will we?

I cannot imagine what it'd be like to be born in the face of heroin and HIV. Mad social integration issues. What would you tell Tamika? Her face in your hands... "little babe, I'm sorry but you got born into some seriously screwed circumstances, and hey, it might be better if we take you away from mom now... or maybe when you turn 12 and the sparkles dry from your eye."

Think she'd be a little disappointed.




Caption: With a child's spontaneous joy, Tamika smiles as she runs past her mother and Johnny, a man they lived with briefly. "My dad's in prison," Tamika explained recently. "And my mom is sad."

Enchant dis

Hah.

That was yesterday.

This morning I feel traces of humour wafting back into my life.

Everybody now:
Awwww yeeea

Disenchantment has too many syllables

Preoccupied with dad's disapproval, I missed a chance to laugh with my best friend.

Mindful of my misfit amongst colleagues, I forgot to kiss my girl at the lights.

Wrapped up in the state of my finances, I didn't hear the words of my favorite song.

I'm done with this shit.

Acceptance is finally kicking in today. Disenchantment over a less-than-ideal-everything is finally blowing over, and the spirit is cranking sleepily into motion again. With money & budgeting being one of the recent issues, it isn't quite the ideal libran life, but hey.. there is a deal in idealists.

So I learn to deal.

The sky is flying

Friday is finally here, and wishes of dying young in an explosive rally car incident are now encroached by happy thoughts of Friday night activity, of which fixing up Gina is taking 1st place.

Funny how emotional states change as rapidly as they do. Reminds me how fickle I am. Dad was quick to bring it up last night - fa sum - is how feng shui master Chen See Fu put it, etching the lines that define a little clearer to us as we took in his swanky Ipoh temple.
F.S master used another phrase on me that's also become popular with dad - one with more syllables than I can remember- this one means I'll be a happy camper even if the sky drops on my head... and that has nothing to do with my aptitude to build a good tent.